I have entered a new phase of motherhood.

I'm not sure what it's called, since this is my first go-round with motherhood, but I think the long name is "The Phase Where You Are Simultaneously Impressed With What Your Child Can Say & Embarrassed By It". (It might also be referred to as "Toddlerhood")

Before church today, Madigan kept repeating the same word over and over, and I had no idea what she was saying. Finally she stood on the pew, pointed to the band area, and proclaimed "Bio-LIN!" Indeed-she was pointing to a cello and declaring that the man was playing a giant violin. We were as impressed as everyone around us, and then quietly asked each other "How did she know that? We don't ever see violins!" Sadly, we realized how she knew what a "bio-lin" even was: Elmo's World. What a true proud parent/embarrassed parent moment.

After church I was speaking with an Indian woman, who was the mother of a little boy who had just been baptized. Madigan and this boy, Valentino, are almost the same age and seem to be as good of "friends" as kids this age can be. As I was speaking with her, Madigan points and says "Tino's Mama!" and we both acknowledged that she is 'Tino's Mama. Then she proclaims, "Tino's Mama is BROWN!" I just kept chatting but Madigan grabbed my face, turned it so we were looking eye-to-eye, and said again, "Tino's mama IS BROWN!" I didn't really know what I was supposed to say to that, except that I obviously had to acknowledge it or she would just keep repeating herself. "Yes, honey. She is." was all I could manage to say. I have never been so proud that my daughter knew her colors and embarrassed by it at the same time.

I have a feeling it's only the beginning for us... This is one observant kid!

Ramblings on Faith

Two years ago, I delivered a girl, and was delivered into the world of motherhood.

"If You just let me get pregnant and carry a baby to term, I will never ask for anything again."

This was a phrase I desperately (and often) repeated to God during our attempts at starting our family. I am fully aware that bargaining with Him doesn't work: by defining what I was willing to do, that only assumes that there was a limit to what He is capable of. He doesn't need me to outline what's in 'the deal'. He's the one in the driver's seat! It was futile, but that seemed to be my middle name. Besides that, He already knew that was a big, fat lie on my part from the get-go.

God would (and did) fulfill my requests, not because I asked but because He had planned it that way all along. And you better believe that I didn't keep my end of the bargain: I asked for a healthy baby, for a safe delivery, and for several other things since then. Some of those things happened too; not because I asked, but because He had it planned that way all along.

So is prayerfully asking Him for these things in vain? I believe not. He knows our hearts, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to hear what is weighing on them.

Being a parent has affected me many ways, but my faith has maybe changed the most. I know I only have a small sliver of the parenting-know-how that God has. I can only imagine that the frustrations I sometimes feel with a 2 year old, He feels with all of His children on a daily basis. My child knows right from wrong, but sometimes chooses to disobey. I know what she wants before she even asks for it, but I make her ask me anyway. Sometimes she asks for things and promises to share and be gentle, and she isn't. Sometimes she shuns me in frustration, refuses to hug and kiss me, or screams at me angrily. It is in those moments when I feel deeply frustrated that I always think about my own actions as a Child of God, and realize that she comes by those actions very, very naturally. In turn, God has planted in me a small seed of Himself: in spite of those actions and behaviors, I love her anyway. Unconditionally.

It is through grace that God gives us what we need but do not deserve. God's grace has been abundant in my life, most notably in the last two years. It is His grace that I try to model my own parenting after. I strive to do for my child what God has done for me: patience, security, unconditional love, guidance, and grace.

Very soon, we will be asking him for another child. (Proof that I am incapable of keeping up my end of that 'never asking for anything again' bargain.) I will ask, and He will answer in His way, in His time.

Not because I am asking, but because He has a plan for us all along.

God's grace.

We are undeserving, but so deeply grateful.

Calling all Prayer Warriors!

This post is just a bits-n-pieces one:

• A friend of mine from high school, Janae, has recently been dealing with some health issues with her daughter AJ. Click on over to her blog to read up on it, or just feel free to pray for her family as you see fit. It's hard when you hurt for your children. Send her some love!
• I had to do the Heimlich on Madigan last week. I'm a nurse, I'm not an 'over-react'-er. This was the obstructed airway, no noise from her blue little face back-blows. She was eating a chip and coughed. Then just didn't cough and made no noises- before I could do anything (actually I think I said "Holy $h!t") I had her out of her booster seat and was doing the back blows. Five solid hits later she was crying and pushing me away. Apparently choking is scary enough, but then having your mom rip you from your seat and beat you is equally as traumatic. Brett had to reassure her that "mommy hit you because she wanted to help you." In the spirit of full disclosure, she actually wanted to finish dinner, and ate quite a bit more. I didn't eat much after that... I felt too icky.
• I really need to write down all the things that Madigan says incorrectly. Because they're funny and soon enough she'll be talking correctly. Here's a start: Bug = "bung"; alpaca = "al-ca-pack-a"; Big Bird = "Bing Bud"; elephant = "ele-phip". And recently we had to have this conversation: (M) "What's that?" (Me): "It's a nipple." (M) "Nee-pull" (Me) "yes." (M) "Daddy- shirt please."
• Brett & I have started a 60-day workout program that I'm fairly certain was designed by satan and has the ultimate goal of causing cardiac arrest. I could be wrong about that, but I'm pretty sure I'm spot-on. We took "before" pictures (which you will not be seeing, thankyouverymuch) and also did measurements. We started it about 2 weeks ago and re-measuring hasn't been necessary since my clothes are literally falling off of me. Even though I'm "2 weeks successful" I still can't go "public" with it (on facebook, naturally) because I still want the option to quit and not be accountable to anyone. There, I admitted it and hopefully someone who reads this will now keep me accountable.... Anyone? Anyone??
• I'm thinking I need to dye my hair blonde again. Because Madigan is such a cute blonde, and everyone says "Who is the blonde in the family?!" (Brett & I were BOTH super blonde, so that answer to that is "both of us") but since we've both gotten darker in our 20's (his naturally and mine has been helped along...) nobody believes that she gets that from us. I'm thinking of going lighter... opinions?

That covers the basics of what's happening here. Again, please keep my friend Janae in your prayers, and leave her some love/support on her blog if you'd like. It's a rough time, and it's always nice to know people care.....

Summer Time!

I love the summer. I love to swim, I love to play outside, and I love that Madigan loves it too.

One of the first times we went to the pool, we started in the baby pool. Shallow, safe, slow. That is SO not Madigan's style, and she didn't last long. Here's a pic of her in her monkey-suit and her "occu-puss".

The second time we went to the pool, we did get right in the "big kid" side. It was fun, and she enjoyed splashing around with her mama for a bit. We even practiced making faces for the camera:

Then, she saw it.

The water slide: her new favorite thing. It has water, it is a slide: it must be from heaven. No worries for her- she let us schlep her up the three story stairs and sat on our laps to ride down. Please note the expressions in the next picture: Brett is nervous. Not a strong swimmer, my husband. Nervous about holding a not-even-2-year-old in his lap. Her expression? Well... if her chubby little head smiled any more it would split in two.

We joke around that this daughter of ours doesn't do "slow" or "careful". She's animated, excited about life, and has no fears about anything. Other people may call her "busy", but I know that neither of us would have it any other way.

i heart faces: babies

Want to hear a story? When I was in the 1st grade, I moved to a new, strange town. I was so scared that first day of school, I had no idea what to do. At recess, a girl came and introduced herself to me. We played, and she introduced me to the rest of our class. This girl and I, we were friends through grade school, dance classes, girl scouts, and high school. We lived together through college. She met a boy, he swept her off her feet. They wed, I was a bridesmaid. They had a baby boy, and named him Colton. I took my camera when I went to introduce myself to him. It was as if all the genetic "awesome" that both parents carried was passed on to him. This little guy might be here because "boy ♥ girl", but I am honored to know him because a hometown girl was nice to a new girl.

It's no secret that I'm a big fan of the photography website i heart faces. I'm also a fan of babies; new, wrinkly, squishy little newborns especially! So when I saw the theme for this week (All About Babies) I knew exactly the picture I wanted to enter: Colton with his daddy. I can't wait to tell this little guy about how amazing his parents are!

♥

Love.

If you feel like dancin'...

Physically, Madigan is a perfect mix of Brett & I. She has his eyes, my nose, his mouth, and my cheeks. Both of us were blonde, short, stalky and "thick" as toddlers. As a parent, our ties to our children first focus on the outward and the physical. As they grow, you see that besides the physical resemblance, they grow their own little attitude. Her personality isn't "mine" or "his" but it's totally Madigan.

I'm a social person. When I'm thrown into a new situation, I can simultaneously read the people around me, while talking and getting comfortable fairly quickly. I was raised to believe that you should never talk to strangers, luckily I've never met one! (I get that from my father!) The majority of people have great stories, and love to hear them. Once I'm comfortable, there's nothing that is off limits; you'll often find me socializing with "new friends" and never see me shy away from the dance floor or the spotlight. I was the kid that jumped right into the deep end of the pool, and hoped for the best; it's this same attitude as an adult that sometimes drives my more reserved husband crazy.

Brett is a bit more reserved in social situations, sometimes to the point where people wrongfully label him as stuck-up or stand off-ish. He's self confident, but not boisterous or even outgoing with "strangers". So while he keeps to himself and usually surveys the crowd around him (and usually accurately sizing up the folks in the room), he doesn't appear nervous or anxious, which is most likely how he can be wrongfully tagged. Once he's comfortable with his surroundings, he will get a bit more loose and talkative, but he's rarely chatting up total strangers or attempting to get into the spotlight. He was the toe-dipping kid at the pool, and lowered himself in one chilly inch at a time; as an adult his thoughtful approach sometimes seems too reserved to me.

I love to watch Madigan in new situations, and see how she's like me, but also how she's different. At home she's physical, talkative, and confident. She knows what she wants, and will ask 20 times until you see it her way. That is so me. But once you add in anyone new, she becomes internal. She watches, she doesn't speak much but isn't nervous either. It's like she doesn't want to be the action, but rather be able to react. That is so Brett.

This weekend, we were at a wedding reception. As Brett & I sat, Madigan sat too. She watched the crowd of children dancing. You could see in her eyes she wanted to dance too. She was never nervous, shy or wanting reassurance from us. As we continued to talk, she decided it was "ok" to proceed. She slid off Brett's lap, and without ever looking back she walked right into the center of the group of children, held out both hands and made two new friends. She danced like it mattered to her; and not to anyone else. She never once looked around for approval from her new friends. It felt right; she was in the moment. Brett & I watched her for a bit, then decided to join her. As we reached her side, she seemed genuinely happy to see us.

And we all danced, together.