Cheater

I am a cheater.

Before you go questioning my faithfulness to my husband, please know that the sanctity of our marriage is very much intact.

However, recently I was asked to be the subject of an undergrad interview for a social work major, and I agreed, with reservations. The subject: infertility. Immediately after agreeing, I felt like a giant fraud. A cheater, a liar, a poser.

Who am I to talk about infertility?

First, my journey was a relatively short- 20 months. (In infertility terms, that's nothing!)

Second, I won the crazy lottery and ended up with a child. How did that happen?

My first impression is to feel like I have somehow cheated the system. How can I call myself an "infertile"? My time on the roller coaster of infertility was short, albeit wild enough for me. With minimal medical intervention, we succeeded and wound up with not only a pregnancy, (which is a type of success unto itself) but an actual live birth. When I refer to my infertility-days, or talk of *gasp* another child most of my friends and family are quick to dismiss my belief that secondary infertility is not only a possibility for me, but indeed a probability. How would I possibly begin to explain to a college student what infertility does to a woman?

Then again, I've never felt comfortable when planted in the "mommy group" either. I absolutely, positively love my role as mother. I have relied on my mom-friends for countless amounts of advice, encouragement and reinforcement. But it's impossible for me to join in the lighthearted conversations about birth control, and when to "plan" the next child. I feel like the band geek, hanging out with the cheerleaders- waiting for that moment when they find out I somehow "cheated" to get into the club of motherhood, and kicking me back out again. This exclusive club of motherhood is fantastic, but trust me, you'll never find me saying to someone "you'll understand when you have children". Because in all truthfulness, you may not understand until you have faced not having children.

Right now, a person who offered me true support during my struggle is in a battle of her own. Her story began long before mine did, and has continued on after my infertility journey ended. I'm broken hearted for her, that her fifth cycle of IVF has failed, that science and medicine have left two very deserving people with empty arms and broken hearts. There is no fairness to that, no explaination and I feel like a fraud because I cheated to get here when she's worked her butt off and is still stuck there. Nothing I can do will help her become a mother, and I hate that.

In the end, I did the interview. I spoke about what I do know about infertility and what it does to a woman. I told the student that I believe that the infertile population is grossly underserved, and I hope she can change that. I know that often my posts are light-hearted and full of pictures, but if you need to know anything about me, it's that infertility is never far from my mind. Whether I'm worrying and praying for a friend, or thinking about my own impending struggle with secondary infertility, it's something that never gets put out of my mind.

So, yeah... I'm a cheater.

And if there was any way I could help a friend to cheat, I'd be there in a heart beat.